Gameweek 2 was the perfect reflection of our current lives – chaotic, bloated and largely miserable.
In amongst the rubble of our former lives three entire days of football took place and with them came an absolute shedload of goals.
In what quickly became the Battle For The Bale, Sporting C.S.B trounced Karius Fan Club and set an early contender for “Largest points haul of the season” with seventy bloody five.
Spurred on by Son and bolstered by Barnes, it was a wonderful week for the Bossmen, not that head coach Jon ‘Bjornby allowed himself to take any modicum of happiness from the whole affair.
“Yeah we won, yeah the new signings played well, yeah we hit a big total, but look, Karius Fan Club are going to get Bale now, so as always, I’ve got the worst lot of anyone in the whole world and won’t hear otherwise,” he sighed into his spring rolls.
Meanwhile in the former Caps Lock Derby, AVERAGE took the absolute piss with Keith Willford’s Mighty imp, almost doubling the Lincoln lad’s point total.
“Here, good lad he is AVERAGE,” opined Head imp Keith Willford. “Don’t worry about me though, you know what they say, where there’s a Willian there’s a way.”
Over in the Boundary Road Badlands Muschampions breezed past REDACTED with a margin of victory enoch to take the three points, but not enough to leave the visitors in pole position for picks – real baddie behaviour.
Finishing up the week Real Shepperton versus Royal Grantwerp F.C proved to be a total roller coaster, echoing the sentiments of FPL legend, Ronan Keating.
The Royal derby, as it were, seemed to be done and dusted by Saturday lunchtime with suspicious Reddit favourites, Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Richarlison doing absolute bits for Grantwerp. Such prompted all manner of suicide claims from Real Shepperton boss Tom Rush, but this was not to be his time, for a Neal Maupay masterclass, Wilfried Zaha brace and Martinez penalty save deep into Monday night managed to talk him back from that particular ledge.
“Never in doubt, mate.” he lied.
And so we go again, two households at a time and at least one metre apart, we go again. Masks on lads, it’s Gameweek three.
REDACTED v Karius Fan Club
They say keep your friends close and your enemies even closer, and let me tell you, these two are bloody close indeed. Make of that what you will, for we are dispensing with that narrative thread to shout about THE FIRST COAST WITH THE MOST DERBY OF THE YEAR.
That’s right, both managers, REDACTED and David Goulborun have had the pre season to make their plans down on the sand and now must face the music, in all its Made in Chelsea glory.
Early reports have talked of an injury crisis in the KFC camp, which may or may not be the result of installing Colonel Sanders as chief nutritionist.
“Nothing wrong with it, chicken is protein and the 11 secret herbs and spices are all legal, well in some parts of the world at least.”
The opposition manager was approached for comment but he said he couldn’t talk as he had to be home for tea at 6pm.
Karius Fan Club: 1/66
AVERAGE v Royal Grantwerp F.C
In potentially the most boring match up of the season, serial appeasers Royal Grantwerp F.C will face off amicably against a team that doesn’t really exist properly.
That’s right, Doug Grant, in all his wholesome bake sale glory will lead his group of nice quite lads to La Promedio to face AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of those burger buns you get a festival that are somehow stale and hard and completely soft and textureless at the same time.
“It’s always a joy to come play AVERAGE,” commented Grant to audible groans.
“The streets are quite nice, I hear the parking is quite cheap, and I think there is a a decent sized Laura Ashley in town, it’s a real great day out.” he added.
“Can someone get this lad a bag or something, jesus fucking wept,” cried Bamber Boozler from the Bamboozler Teletext Page.
Royal Grantwerp F.C: 6/5
Sporting C.S.B v Real Shepperton
Speaking of wholesome, Gameweek Three will see the first “Nu Hove Derby” between Sporting C.S.B and Real Shepperton.
Following the shock departure of Muschampions from the sunny streets of God’s own land, the league is left with just two teams within walking distance of the world’s best busy-but-actually-not-a-lot-on-it-when-you-come-to-think-of-it strip.
A win for the Poets Corner ultras could see them leapfrog their noisy neighbours and set up an old rivalry at the top, not that Sporting Bossman, Jan Bormby was getting ahead of himself.
“Look, I know we’re doing well, but I can’t imagine we’ll stay up near the top, it would be typical for us to lose, wouldn’t be surprised if it’s VAR. Bloody VAR, what’s the point of having it if it’s not gonna work.”
“Fold the club?” asked a visibly drunk Ray Parlour.
“Yeah actually, while we’re at it just fold the club,” Barmby replied as the alarm clock from Groundhog Day started beeping.
Sporting C.S.B: 1/10
Real Shepperton: 10/1
Mighty imp v Muschampions
Rounding off the week is a match being described in various quarters as “a procession”, “a freebie”, and “Here Doug’s a good lad in’t he”.
The big baddies of the Titus Bramble Championship, Muschampions will be boarding the prison bus up to Lincoln for a day release date with destiny (the Mighty imp).
“Like, I don’t get it. Is it just one guy? Can you even have one player? How does it work, why is the name like that?” Queried James Muschamp, scratching the eyes out of a polaroid photo quite aggressively.
“At least my team name makes sense you know, it’s my name, it’s the champions, we won last year, you get it, it makes sense, but Mighty imp? Why is the second word lower case, I mean, you know what I mean,” he continued.
When the question was later posed to Mighty imperor, Keith Willford he seemingly dodged the answer
“Yeah Doug’s a good lad isn’t he. Saved our bacon in Russia, we had no idea what was going on and he sorted it all with his phone. Lincoln are in for a good year and all, playing good stuff, it’s good to have it back isn’t it?”
“Yeah what about the name though?” queried a reporter.
“The name Lincoln? Dunno mate, best to ask the council that, no clue. Cheers.”
Mighty imp: 6/4