Titus Bramble Championship GW4: Draft, by M Night Shyamalan

Sunrise, sunset. All good things must come to an end and nothing gold can stay. Luckily draft is neither good nor gold so it is back for another Gameweek packed full of intrigue, outrage and arguing over assist accreditation.

Before we cast eyes forward to our gloomy horizons we must cover what happened in GW3, or as the papers will have it, the week that football died.

A couple of handball shambles were enough for Spurs fans to claim that football is over, the lights have come up, the party is finished, and the technology that helped them in their finest moments is now out to get them, because that is just how football fans work.

Back in the real world of Draft, common logic fared little better as Karius Fan Club fell to a humbling defeat, one that leaves the colonels rooted to the bottom of the league after three games, which if nothing else, was not what Reddit said would happen.

In equally upsetting news the baddies of Muschampions had their way with the Mighty imp(s) leaving the dastardly lot top of the table, boo hiss.

Spearheaded by an attacked featuring the three types of lads you wouldn’t want to fight in a smokers; The strongman Antonio, the Eastern European nutter MItrovic, and the shifty one that definitely has a knife on him, Jamie Vardy, the Muschampions left 14 points on their bench and still cruised to victory.

Meanwhile Royal Grantwerp F.C beat AVERAGE which was BOO-RING and Real Shepperton lost to a team that now can’t be named for legal (strop) reasons.

They say that good things come to those that wait, which is probably why Gameweek Four is here already. Hand sanitiser at the ready, we’re going in.


Karius Fan Club v Mighty imp

This week will see the first 20/21 matchup between Karius Fan Club and Mighty imp, the single most bizarre fixture in the footballing calendar.

We are all taught fairly early on in school that if you flip a coin there is as much chance of it landing on heads as on tails. We are all taught that probability is real, a mathematic explanation for the ways of the world, something that our very structures of life are based upon. 

And yet, when it comes to Karius Fan Club v Mighty imp, the rules of probability are thrown into disrepute, the very things on which we have come to rely on are ripped away from us and replaced with nothing but ceaseless, unlimited chaos. The Keith Willford Effect.

Karius Fan Club have never beaten the lads from Lincoln, and who are we to argue with that. The form book is out the window, conventional logic is put to one side. All bets are off.

Karius Fan Club: Susp

Mighty imp: Susp


Meanwhile in slightly more rational news, the league leaders Muschampions will be hosting a team we are no longer allowed to report on for legal reasons.

“We’re on a good run of form so we aren’t that bothered about the visit of Sporting C.S.B. We are just going to go out there tooled up like we always do and just play our game,” commented Head baddie, James Muschamp.

A tight game is expected in what is being branded as The Portland Road derby with only three points and four P/D separating the two teams.

Will Vardy come back to haunt his old owner? Will Son’s absence be an insurmountable issue for REDACTED TEAM NUMBER TWO? Am I even allowed to name their players?

The answer to all of the above is: Not arsed mate.

Muschampions: 6/5


Real Shepperton v AVERAGE

Saturday team time will see Real Shepperton slog through a thoroughly AVERAGE game.

Having fallen to their first defeat of the season last week, the Real Royal Boys will be hoping that the season’s first two-day GW will provide the perfect setting to get back to winning ways.

“I just don’t really trust my maths across more than two days of FPL, you know,” admitted Shepperton boss, Tom Rush.

“I mean, who even watched football on a Monday, it’s a load of bullshit. I want to know by 8pm whether I should be getting an Uber Eats or an Uber to the Pier. It’s too much, too many days, bullshit.”

Having been a bit of a surprise package last year, AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of a Grammarly Youtube advert, have found it hard going this season, with only Karius Fan Club faring worse in the first weeks.

“Yeah, no need to bring that up, mate, steady on,” said David Goulbourn.

Real Shepperton: 8/5

AVERAGE: 17/10


Sunday teatime will see us all suitably stuffed, half cut, and too tired to leave the pub so we will most likely all watch Royal Grantwerp F.C take on REDACTED TEAM NUMBER ONE, despite not really having a horse in this race.

“It’s a big game, lots riding on it, a real Super Sunday clash!” Grantwerp head coach, Doug Grant said, clearly not believing it himself.

“Anyone that says it’s a mid table shitfest has clearly not been paying attention!” he continued, the light draining from his eyes.

“Connor Coady v Jamaal Lewis, Alex McCarthy v Kurt Zouma, the tie is packed with intrigue and some real heavy hitters,” he sighed, tiring.

“The three points will be valuable to whoever wins! I know it’s only an eight man league but the race for fifth is still a big deal. And it’s…” he tailed off, choking up. 

“Live” he finished, screwing up his script, tears in his eyes as Jeff Stelling looked on and nodded.

“That’s it, sell Super Sunday, it’s always live,” he muttered to himself ominously.

Royal Grantwerp F.C: 3/5