Titus Bramble Championship GW5: The Draft Who Loved Me

Remember Draft? Remember how good life was before the fun-vacuum of the international break rolled in and fucked everything up?

It often seems incomprehensible that we ever felt happy, that we ever woke up on a Saturday with a heart full of hope, a Skybet account full of cash, and stomach ready to be full of lager.

Lo, Christian soldiers rejoice! Cry Hallelujah for Draft is back!


Gameweek Four was one for the history books insomuch that everything bad that could happen, did happen. 

Real Shepperton, the league’s most intelligent and handsome team, lost to AVERAGE, Karius Fan Club fell foul of the centuries-old imp curse, REDACTED beat Muschampions and REDACTED set a points total that will surely no be beaten – somehow guaranteeing a prize come season’s end just four fucking weeks in.

It was bad, but it is now done. Thank god.

Gameweek four is over, the international break is over, it is time now to repress all our feelings like good blokes, get the rounds in, and prepare to get really fucking worked up starting at a shitty football app. Draft is back and may it never leave again.


AVERAGE v Karius Fan Club

The weekend’s early game will see Karius Fan Club hoping to pick up their first points of the season away to AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of Zizzi.

To say it’s been tough going for the Fan Club would be an understatement. Having lost the first three games of the season, the league’s bottom team went into the international break with the lowest score the Titus Bramble Championship has ever seen. The dire run of form has visibly taken its toll on manager David Goulborun who has started taking press conferences in black and white.

“Al Verage, haven’t heard that name in a long time,” he whispered, stubbing out a cigarette.

“Yeah I know him. Had some run ins in the past, let’s just say they didn’t always end up pretty,” he continued, sunlight seeping through the almost-shuttered blinds that were behind him for some reason.

“The thing with Al Verage is that he’s a numbers man, he’s not like other men, he’s unfeeling, unflinching. They say he lost his humanity when a third-placed auto sub lost him the league back in ‘58, he’s never been the same.”

“What is actually going on, this is a really unexpected tonal shift,” one reporter whispered to his colleague.

“Yeah not sure about this, can’t see it continuing,” came the reply.


Karius Fan Cub: 19/4





Mighty imp v Royal Grantwerp F.C

Saturday teatime will see the season’s first “It’s pronounced bath, not bath derby” as Royal Grantwerp F.C will defy Tier Three Covid guidelines to visit the Impstadion.

“We’re not bothered,” said the second-most royal head coach in the league, Doug Grant.

“We’ve taken all the necessary precautions to make the trip Covid-safe. We’ve brought our own Ginsters so we don’t have to stop at any petrol stations and we’ve got Ben Chilwell in a protective zorb, like in Bubble Boy. He’s not particularly happy about it but we stuck him in there with a fidget spinner and it seems to calm him down.”

The two teams are currently locked on six points apiece and will both be keen not to lose any more ground on the teams above, lest the north/south divide of the nation work its way into FPL.

“Here, Doug’s a good lad he is,” commented Mighty imperor, Keith Willford. “He’s a bit soft to be northern, don’t you think though? He didn’t even drink in Russia, he reckons it was doctor’s orders, but I don’t reckon any doctor up here would tell someone not to have a few pints and that.”

A Titus Bramble FA spokesperson has since refuted these claims.

“We would like to remind our members that an official vote was cast at last year’s AGM in which we found that Royal Grantwerp F.C manager Doug Grant would beat the then-manager of the Lowly Thamesmen in a fight so therefore is not he softest northerner we know.”

Mighty imp: 8/5

Royal Grantwerp F.C: 17/10

Muschampions v Real Shepperton

Super Sunday will be living up to its name this week as last season’s top two meet for a match being billed as an early title-decider.

Muschampions will be bleaching the blood off their floors for the arrival of the league’s most well-liked and well-respected team, Real Shepperton.

“No expense has been spared,” commented Muschampions unimaginatively-named James Muschamp. 

“Instead of putting bars of soap into pillow cases to beat people with, we’ve used them to help scrub up the HMP Belmarsh Arena. It’s not quite the same, but it is enjoyable in its own way, I guess,” he sighed, the menace draining from his eyes slightly.

“Am I excited to be playing a league game after the international break? Yes, yes I am. Am I excited about getting an overnight flight out to Portslade to do so? Absolutely not,” offered Real Shepperton head coach, Tom Rush.

Having registered back to back defeats in their last two, Real Shepperton will be looking to regain some of their early season promise, although it will be no easy task against the league leaders.

Muschampions have ram raided the first four gameweeks, spurred on by a WKD-fuelled hurricane Vardy.

“Yeah he’s a good lad and a great addition to the team,” Muschamp commented.

“He doesn’t take any shit, he tries to fight the ground staff a lot, but that’s just Jamie, that’s part of what our scouts liked about him.”

Will Real Shepperton clamber to the top of the table? Or will Muschampions solidify their position as top dog on the yard, only Rebekah Vardy will know before Sunday.

Muschampions: 6/5

Real Shepperton: 9/4

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