Gameweek 5 eh? What a week that was.
We had highs, we had lows, we listened to Underoath at 3am, it was a real time I’ll tell thee.
The week that is has now become that which was, so a recap is surely in order: Karius Fan Club kept up their tradition of losing to absolutely everyone as they fell to AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of the words “kind regards”; The newly embargo-less Sporting C.S.B edged past REDACTED; Mighty imp sent Royal Grantwerp F.C packing without any supper; and Real Shepperton defeated the forces of darkness, Muschampions.
The results have left the table in a rather unexpected state with Sporting and Shepperton holding the top two spots respectively. The whipping boys for much of last season clearly spent lockdown working on their tactics and are now embroiled in the most unlikely of title races.
It is understood that the two managers are as surprised as anyone.
Muchampions, Mighty imp and Average, are hot on the heels of the Royal Boys however (on the exact same points) with the Championship shaping up to be a much closer contest than previous.
REDACTED and Royal Grantwerp F.C round off the actual league with the less said about Karius Fan Club the better.
And just like that we all stumble over a Thursday waiver deadline and into a new Gameweek, the promise of untapped misery, frustration and dejection calling us in like a siren song.
We wouldn’t have it any other way.
Karius Fan Club v Muschampions
This week the league have shown an iota of mercy and are allowing Karius Fan Club to pull off the plaster fast and lose to Muschampions in the early kick off.
“Sometimes it’s for the best, just get it over with you know,” sighed the crestfallen Colonel, David Goulbourn.
“It’s like when some muggins (ie Doug Grant) comes through with shots that you really don’t want to do. You’ve just got to get them out the way and then get on with your life. We know playing Muschampions is going to be awful, we know we’re going to lose, so what’s the point in prolonging the agony.”
Whilst doomsaying and generally getting excuses in early can be a handy pre-match technique, KFC will hardly have a better chance of arresting their slide than the arrival of an out-of-sorts Muschampions team.
“Out of sorts? What are you on about, we’re joint second,” quizzed head coach James Muschamp.
“I know we expect these to be biased and I get it that I’m the baddy and that, but you can’t just lie.”
“We can. Do what we want” an unseen voice called out.
Karius Fan Club: 9/5
Real Shepperton v Mighty imp
Saturday lunch time will see Real Shepperton and Mighty imp square off in what is being billed as the “Loves a pint derby”.
“Always a pleasure to welcome the imps down to the Estadio del Shepperton,” said head coach Tom Rush, sipping at a stein.
“Never cause any trouble, always a good game, plenty of pints, what more do you want?” he continued.
The royal boys will be counting on another strong showing from future Ballon D’or recipient, Neal Maupay as they look to make up points on Sporting in first place. Such will be no easy feat however, with the Mighty imp in fine fettle, only behind in the table on goal difference.
“I always say, as long as you’ve got Abdoulaye Doucouré you’ve got a chance, you know what I mean,” commented Mighty imperor, Keith Willford.
Whether such a reliance on holding midfielders will pay off in the long run remains to be seen, but knowing the Mighty imp pendulum of chaos, I wouldn’t bet against it.
Real Shepperton: 17/10
Mighty imp: 7/4
Royal Grantwerp F.C v Sporting C.S.B
Should we wake up in a sorry state on Sunday, we will have Royal Grantwerp F.C v Sporting C.S.B to soothe our spirits as the two most frustratingly humble teams square off.
“I dunno, I don’t fancy my chances if I’m being honest with you,” chirped Doug Grant.
“Doug doesn’t fancy his chances?” queried opposite number, Ron Garmby “I don’t fancy MY chances. I’ll say it now, Grantwerp are going to win, it will be a good game and I’m happy for them.”
“Sporting think we are going to win?” Replied Grant. “No chance, they’re a great team, I’ll shake his hand now and give them the points, here, I’ll trade a player as well, it’s only fair.”
“Give us the points and trade a player?” Garmby exclaimed in visible shock. “I’ll fold the club right now, don’t fancy the fixtures, I think Grantwerp have got it in the bag, it’s a tough game.”
“FOLD THE CLUB!” Grant spluttered. “I’ll liquidate the whole league. We’ve got no chance! Give them the title now, Son AND Fernandes, what’s the point in even kicking off?”
“LIQUIDATE THE LEAGUE? What are they smoking at Grantwerp,” cried Garmby.
“Mane, Werner, Calvert bloody Lewin, tank the UK economy and sink the entire island, there’s no point, it’s gonna be a good game but they’ve got it in the bag, we’re already planning for GW7.”
Legend has it the two are still arguing over who is less likely to win to this very day.
Royal Grantwerp F.C: 16/5
Sporting C.S.B: 19/20
REDACTED v AVERAGE