Gameweek six was one to forget for a great many reasons: The goals dried up, all the big lads blanked, Real Shepperton lost, VAR decisions ruined ties and the spirit of fair play was seemingly abandoned for a weekend – all equally awful occurrences.
The Titus Bramble Championship was not safe from the chaos of real life and threw up a stomach full of bile-covered results as Karius Fan Club lost to Muschampions to make it a double hat trick of defeats, Real Shepperton were crushed by the Red imp pendulum of chaos, Royal Grantwerp FC failed to stop the meteoric rise of Sporting CSB to the league’s summit and in the single most boring thing anyone could think of REDACTED drew with AVERAGE.
Mercifully all of that is over, and so we must now trip over the early waiver deadline and fall headfirst into Gameweek 7. Say your prayers, book in a confessional for Monday morning, let’s get it, lads.
Real Shepperton v Karius Fan Club
Saturday afternoon will see the desperation derby kick off as two teams in desperate need of a win – and for differing reasons – will metaphorically square off in what is sure to be a non-classic for the ages.
Karius Fan Club, winless in their opening six games, will make the journey to Shepperton hoping to finally get some points on the board, whereas their hosts need a win to avoid falling farther behind the league leaders.
The bookies are banking of home advantage, but the visit of his former club could prove perilous for Real’s new star man, Wilfried Zaha.
“Wilf has been the absolute boy this year, not gonna lie,” Real Shepperton head coach, Tom Rush, did, in fact, not lie.
“He’s just showing us all what he can do in a proper club innit. We’ve given him a tour of the whole village and he’s buzzin. He thought the ready meal selection at the M&S garage was pretty decent and he’s already on first name terms with bossman at Golden Grill, he’s settling in really well, he even said the motorway bridge wasn’t that ugly.”
“Look, I know he’s staying with you know, but you’ve just gotta let me see him,” KFC Colonel, David Goulbourn pleaded directly into the camera, his eyes unswerving as they filled with tears.
“I know it didn’t work before but I’ve changed. I’ve been going to Managers For Justice meetings and the lads down there have really helped me see where I was wrong. Alternate weekends, even one a month, I can do it, you’ve just gotta let Wilf back in my life again, please, I’m begging,” he continued, much to the palpable unease of those in the room.
After a brief pause to collect himself he sighed “Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it.”
“Oh fuck me I can see where this is going,” a journo groaned.
“I just want Wilf back for good, I want Wilf, I want Wilf back for goo-ood.”
Real Shepperton: 6/4
Karius Fan Club: 8/15
Royal Grantwerp FC v Muschampions
The season’s first TITUS BRAMBLE BOX OFFICE clash will surely be watched by tens of people Saturday 3pm as the league’s most amicable team will hold host to its dirt worst.
In what is a journalists dream the two teams with their managers names in them will square off in a battle of second v second bottom.
“Unoriginal, no not me, I mean, okay it’s my name in the title, but I only just moved to the club! I was at Accrington Gra….oh. Grantley, right, well that’s awkward,” spluttered Sir Douglas of Grant.
“It’s not through the choice,” James Muschamp, unsurprising head coach of Muschampions. “It’s like disclosing your criminal record in a job interview I think. We have been told we need to make it clear in the name who we are, lest people accidentally come to the game unprepared for who we are and what we stand for.”
Despite counting both Sadio Mane and Dominic Calvert-Lewin in his squad Grant and his men have underwhelmed in their head to head fixtures, leaving the club on six points after six games. Muschampions on the other hand have found success in being boring as sin and trying desperately to recreate last year’s squad – the team lie three points off the top spot despite the impotent form of star signing Aubameyang.
“We’re just biding our time,” Muchamp added ominously.
Royal Grantwerp FC: 1/1
The Lowly Thamesmen v Red imps
Due to a clerical error in the advertising department The Lowly Thamesmen have had to be named this week whilst the Titus Bramble FA search for a new advertiser – talks with Ronseal are ongoing, we understand.
“Here lads, great news that,” the now-capitalised Liam Willford beamed. “Just in time for the match with Keith, the pissed-on-three-pints Derby!”
“Yeah shame about that Liam,” Keith replied.
“It’s nice when he’s a bit quieter you know. Me and Mandy thought we’d heard the last of his questions when he moved out, but he text me the other day asking how much Toby Carvery salad bar three lads without arms could realistically eat in an hour and how many kids could you knock out if you were blindfolded.”
“I just think these are questions that need to be answered,” Liam rebuked. “I’ve knocked down between two and three men so I really think, I mean, it’s kids, if you’re in a centre circle and they come in waves, like, 15 at a time, you’ve got the reach don’t you? You could just do em one by one, or run away and get filed into a row, Hundred, hundred fifty easy.”
“He’s full of shit, in’t he” Keith finished
The Lowly Thamesmen: 6/5
Red imps: 4/6
AVERAGE v Sporting CSB
Sunday tea time will have us all pawing at our iPhone calculators four pints deep to work out the ultimate showdown between Sporting CSB and AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of getting a Topic from a box of Celebrations.
A Bamford masterclass and the continued stellar performance of Son have propelled Sporting to the nosebleeds of the league and one would think that to stay there those two would need another big showing, with the squad’s backline continuing to underwhelm.
The league’s top team will make the hypothetical journey to La Promedio as they look to open up a six point gap on the chasing back, not that manager Jyn Barmbo was having any of it.
“They’re the better team to be fair, I don’t fancy our chances” opined Barmbo.
“Are you sure mate, they are literally a statistical average, it’s in the name,” a reporter replied.
“Nah, better team for sure.”
Sporting CSB: 1/6