Gameweek seven was an oddity of our times. The wildfires of chaos that typify our modern life were extinguished by the forces of rationality and reason. Real Shepperton beat Karius Fan Club, Muschampions ground out another win, the Red imps fell back to lesser ways and an imperious AVERAGE performance brought Sporting CSB back to earth.
Whether or not the Titus Bramble Championship can turn this fling with conventional logic into a longstanding relationship remains to be seen, but we shall hope not because rationality is boring as piss.
And lo, Gameweek 8 is upon us. Cross however many fingers you have, get the iPhone calculators out, whip £50 into SkyBet and start refreshing Twitter, it is Draft time once more.
Royal Grantwerp FC v Karius Fan Club
As we wade into our first lockdown 2.0 weekend we will all be greeted by the sight of Royal Grantwerp FC and Karius Fan Club flailing at each other as the league’s two most pathetic teams square off.
The match promises to be the footballing equivalent of when two boffins at school had one of those ‘frustrated crying nerd fights’ and yet carries a huge amount of significance for both teams.
Grantwerp FC have lost all of their last four games – an appalling record that is only bested by KFC who have suffered seven defeats on the bounce – and pressure on manager Doug Grant appears to be taking its toll.
“If you count the legal points, I easily win. If you count the illegal points, they can try to steal the gameweek from us,” he bleated.
The Titus Bramble Press Association attempted to reach David Goulbourn for comment but we were told by his parents that he has locked himself in his room and is threatening to run away forever. The TBPA understands that Goulbourns reluctance to face the press is because they “Just don’t understand” and that “It’s not fair”.
Royal Grantwerp FC: 1/1
Karius Fan Club: 4/5
The Lowly Thamsemen v Real Shepperton
The unofficial GiveMeReddit.Stream 3pm Saturday kick off will see Real Shepperton descend on the St Leonard’s Arena much like the forces of good to Mordor in the last Lord of the Rings film.
“I’m hearing people say it’s a battle of good versus evil, of hope versus darkness, and to be fair, like, I’m inclined to agree,” Real Shepperton boss, Tom Rush, commented.
“The points fraud scandal of last year has left a bitter taste, that’s for sure, it’s the football equivalent of a pint of Wharf. How they can claim the title when they didn’t even actually win is shameful. That said, it’s the Thamesmen, the word gracious doesn’t quite spring to mind.”
The Thamesmen have made a solid if unremarkable start to their title defence with 10 points after seven games. Currently sitting five points off the top spot (albeit with a vastly superior F/A difference) there is much room for improvement in a squad that seems to live or die on the performances of Harry Kane.
Thamesmen boss Liam Willford did appear before the press in the run up to the weekend’s action, but the TBPA correspondent decided that nothing he said was worth printing so didn’t turn his dictaphone on.
“Honestly, he just said something about being off your head and then kept asking us how many grains of rice you could fit in a size eight shoe or some shit like that,” the journo reported.
The Lowly Thamesmen: 8/13
Real Shepperton: 11/8
AVERAGE v Muschampions
Coming hot on the heels of a game of good versus evil comes a game of complete neutrality versus a significantly more evil evil.
Muschampions will be slapping on their ankle tags and trudging the chain line down to La Promedio to duke it out with AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of having to drink some squash at home when you really wanted a Coke from the petrol station on the way back.
“Look, I’m really getting tired of these jokes about me being the bad guy, I’ve honestly never done anything that bad, never broken any laws or anything. I mean, except possession of class A drugs, probably a bit of speeding, maybe some light trespassing, bits of petty theft, but I’m not bad, I swear,” Muschampions manager Muchamp (#MMM) pleaded to the parole board.
Either of the teams could feasibly end the week top of the league, which considering one is a mathematical average is a return to the bad old days of 19/20, at least proving that we, as sentient humans, have learned precious little in the last 12 months.
“I mean, we all should be beating AVERAGE, but you see some of the maths that gets chucked round at 5pm on a Sunday and doesn’t give you much hope that we’re the smart ones here,” Muschamp added.
Mighty imp v Sporting CSB
It is quarter to six on a Friday night, so as follows is the abridged version of Mighty imp v Sporting CSB.
Keith says “Here, lad, he’s a good lad” and then mishears a question from a reporter. He mentions an alleyway in Lincoln and is cut off.
“Jon Farmby” Speaks like a farmer, plays down his chances.
Mighty imp: 14/1
Sporting CSB: 1/6