What day is it? What shops can we go to? How many people am I allowed to have in my sightline? We live in a time of great questions and we are all as clueless as Chris Kamara at Fratton Park.

Luckily we at the Titus Bramble Press Office have been led by the science and can confirm that we, as a nation, have just passed Gameweek nine of the season, meaning that whilst Draft-20/21 is still prevalent within our communities, we are more than a quarter of the way to defeating it.

Following a brief quarantine period, results show that the L rate (Loss rate) continues to be highest at the Goul Ground where KFC suffered their ninth straight defeat of the season to the table-topping Sporting CSB. In related news, Royal Grantwerp FC cheated their way to a Covid-tinged victory at Real Shepperton, meaning KFC are now cast 12 points adrift at the bottom of the league.

Elsewhere Muschampions got their sums mixed up and fell foul of The Lowly Thamesmen, in a game described in various corners as “a big blow for our communities” and “the worst possible moral outcome”. 

And finally, the expanded fixture list meant that we all had to wait to see the conclusion of the former caps lock derby as Red imp walloped AVERAGE, the footballing equivalent of those turkey burgers you got at school, back into the mathematical abyss from whence it came.

I digress, there is a dark winter ahead and Gameweek ten is only the start of our suffering, so we now implore you to do your part, stay safe, stay alert and save Draft. 

GW10 PREVIEW

The Lowly Thamesmen v Karius Fan Club

The weekend will kick off with the Coast With The Most Derby #CWTMD with the titular Lowly Thamesmen hosting the literal lowly Karius Fan Club.

We will once more find out who made the plans down in the sand and who chose the more sensible option and made their plans on a tactics board, with KFC looking for their first points of the season (yes you read that right).

“I mean, it’s what they say isn’t it, tenth time lucky and that,” KFC chief David Goulbourn lied to himself.

“If anything, losing every week has just pulled the plaster off. I feel completely disassociated from the whole affair already which is quite freeing. I’ve made my peace with my team performing awful, there’s a lot less stress this way.”

A win over the Muschampions last time out has left Liam Willford surely pondering all manner of hypothetical situations in his head, trying to figure out the highest he can finish this week and telling anyone within earshot about them all.

For those wondering, The Lowly Thamesmen could feasibly end the week joint second, which is terrible news all round. It would however take losses for Shepperton, AVERAGE and a draw between Muschampions and Red imp. But as they say, all the best laid plans etc.

“I mean, it’s lucky we stuck with short song names, I wouldn’t think they give that much ammunition for football puns, I mean, reusing old jokes is just sad isn’t it” sneered Lowly Liam.

“Yeah you’d think that wouldn’t you, but if you released Plans over and over we can make the joke just as many times,” cried a journo.

“Rude,” replied Willford, ducking into his phone to grass someone up about what just happened.

The Lowly Thamesmen: SUSP

Karius Fan Club: SUSP

Sporting CSB v Real Shepperton

Super Sunday will be just that as Real Shepperton make the short trip up Hove Street to the Bossman Arena. The closest human challengers to the Bossmen, Real Shepperton will be looking to put a devastating defeat in the Royal Derby behind them as they take on the league’s most in-form team – not that CSB bossman, Jonan the Barmbarian is having any of it.

“I’ve been saying all season, before we started even, we are due a poor run of form. It would be just our luck to lose this weekend, I’m telling you,” he said.

“When you say just your luck, are you referring to winning seven out of nine games, losing just once in the last eight games?” Queried a journo.

“Yeah, we can’t catch a break at the minute,” came the reply.

His opposite number, Tom Rush, was somewhat less measured in his pre-match comments.

“Doug Grant is a cheating scumbag I cannot fucking believe it,” he bellowed.

“My two top scorers, both out of action through Covid because of some shitey fucking international break. Why are we even having a break, there’s a fucking pandemic on, I’ll tell you why, ask Doug that’s why. It’s all fake, it’s all corrupt, he’s dead to me,” he continued, spit frothing in the corners of his mouth.”

“And Sporting CSB, I’ll tell you what, it’s only six points and we’re up for this week. You can tell him now, we’re still fighting for this title and after us he’s got to go to Portslade and get something – and I’ll tell you, honestly, I will love it if we beat them. Love it.”

Sporting CSB: 4/5

Real Shepperton: 1/1

AVERAGE v Royal Grantwerp FC

Doug Grant is a cheat and this game will be boring so it is awarded the season’s first Partridge Gif fixture of the Week.

AVERAGE: 9/2

Royal Grantwerp FC: 4/7

Mighty imp v Muschampions

Rounding off our season in the abyss, Lincoln’s finest imps will be taking on Muschampions in a Titus Bramble first, an 11-a-side business meeting. 

Due to the latest round of Covid restrictions the Mighty Impstadion is not available to use for games of professional sport so the Muschampions will be heading there for a business meeting instead.

It is understood that all parties must be in smart/casual business wear (no trainers nor ripped jeans, ties optional) and be within fifteen feet of an invoice at all times. 

“We are really looking forward to achieving some synergy, that’s for sure,” commented Mighty imp Keith Willford’s lawyer. 

“The attire is suitable of course for a business meeting, which this is, but we do however feel that endorsing each other’s skills on Linkedin instead of a pre match handshake is a bit above and beyond,” he added.

“We’re just happy to be playing foo…having a business meeting,” stumbled Muschampions big baddie, James Muschamp. 

“The last time the lads had suits on was in the dock, so they’ve already shown they can perform under pressure. I’m a bit worried about having paper invoices for corner flags, but look, needs must.”

Mighty imp: BUSINESS

Muschampions: SUCCESS